Dear Boys Downstairs,

Please learn how to cook. It really isn't that hard to follow the directions on the side of the box. I'm tired of the stench of burnt food seeping into my apartment and the sounds of fire alarms on a daily basis. When your food catches on fire, it's a sign that it's more than done.

Many smiles,

Amy

Dear Infinite Abyss

Smile.

With fond regard,

Corwin - Lord of All Humans

Dear Bell Canada,

November 7, 2005


Why must you make my life so difficult? It's really starting to get to me that I've had to call you 7 times to try and resolve 1 problem. That math just doesn't make sense. And the fact that this has been going on since May just adds to it.

I really just want my money. You owe me $214, and your customer service people are acting like it's no big deal. Every time I call, the person I talk to tells me that what the last person told me is wrong. And now you say that you have no record of me ever having had the phone number 880-2668? I obviously did, because someone finally managed to find it. Don't tell me you're sending me a cheque if you're not sending it. Don't tell me that it will be here in 4 weeks, when you were apparently supposed to say 4-6 weeks, when you were really supposed to say 6-8 weeks, when you really meant never. Don't send me to credit, then back to billing, then back to credit.

One of the 4 people I talked to today claimed, "You don't have to swear at me." Well, I wouldn't have to swear at you, if your company wasn't a bunch of incompentent dildoes who are trying to steal $214 from me. I realize this isn't your fault specifically, but when you agree to work for Bell Canada you are immediately implicated in their shitheadedness. Sorry. That's just how it goes.

$214 is not a lot for you - you guys have lots of money. It is a lot for me. So please just give me my goddamn money so I can be done with you. When I have a nervous breakdown/heart attack/ulcer I will blame it solely on you.

I realize that in the past you guys have been able to do whatever you wanted because you basically had a monopoly on the phone business. But Rogers has home phone service now. And it's cheaper. So maybe you might want to think about trying to change the fact that everyone in Canada hates you.

With Seething Anger,

Carly

Dear Mr. Chrétien

I am really sorry to hear about all the shit you're getting from the report that bad man released the other day. I don't think it's really fair that he's trying to use a principle espoused by Star Trek to ruin your excellent reputation as a former leader of this fine country.

I mean, Canada is not a starship. It's fricken huge, for one. Way bigger than even the Enterprise E. How can you be held accountable for the actions of all of its citizens? When Kirk went down for the actions of a few shitheads when they killed the Klingon Chancellor he was totally set-up and hung out to dry in a show trial and I think They are trying to set you up for the same thing. I'd watch out. Maybe wear a veridian patch or something in case you need an emergency beam out after you escape from prison.

From what I've been able to glean from the media reports of the goings on of this whole inquiry, I think what happened was that Martin and Gomery, working together, planted an aide in your office to record you muttering to yourself in your office when you didn't think anyone was around. What's going to happen next, you see, is they're going to publicly air these mutters totally out of context to make you look really bad. Word is you're going to take Gomery to court over his findings and I think this is a really bad idea because I just know that is when they'll bring out their tapes.

Your only hope right now is to find out the aide who done it, mind meld with her, and force her to reveal all members of the conspiracy against you. It's going to hurt her like a son of a bitch but it has to be done so that the truth can finally be told, you see.

I haven't yet determined the purpose of this conspiracy, it doesn't seem as simple as a fear of the undiscovered country this time. For sure the Romulans are involved but there's always the looming threat of the Borg on the horizon. Mr. Chrétien, I think it is in your best interest to return to Genesis to recover the corpse of Sheila Copps and take her back to Ottawa to re-unite her katra with her body. She would prove a powerful ally for the fellowship you will surely need in the coming dark times.

Have we not heard the chimes at midnight?

Beware the ides of March,

Corwin