Dear Lord Denning,

My summer is going swimmingly. What a day it has been. I slept in until 3:30pm and then I did the dishes I let pile up over exams. Oh yes, I've moved. It's a swell place; I never have to explain myself.

You're upset, I can tell. I think, though, that our relationship will thrive if I let you do all the articulating for the both of us. Indeed, there's likely enough articulation for three people. How about that Molly Parker? Have you caught any episodes of Swingtown yet?

I also, um, have some bad news. This last year has been super fun and I've greatly enjoyed our time together but, well, it's time we take a bit of a break. It's just, well, I've found someone else. He's American. He says he can teach me the ways of the Contract.

Anyway, I'll always have a special place for you. Maybe, you know, I'll come visit in a year or so. It'll be like old times! For now, though, I need some space. Don't come following me either, you'll only be shot by the inner city gangs.

Holy fuck, I hate law students,

Corwin, formerly a human being

A brief 680 News piece quotes Ontario's police forces as having 'nabbed' 69 people for drunk driving in the GTA over the holidays out of a province-wide total of 33.

So, the 43% of Ontarians living in the GTA (GTA: 5.56 million; Ontario: 12.85 million) manage to account for only 20% of holiday drunk driving charges

Obviously many people in and around Toronto have the advantage so far as adequate public transit is concerned, but still, it's surprising that we are underrepresented by more than half! So much for big, bad, mean, corrupt, dangerous Toronto.

Dear Corwin,

I miss you terribly at Hamilton-area gatherings. What shindig is complete without snarky comments from Corwins? Or an appearance from Legolas, at the very least. And how do we know that our party actually partied without incriminating video evidence of the event?

How can we ensure optimal Corwin presence at the next event? How can we get you to stay overnight?

I volunteer Borrelli to bake you a pie if it will help.

With love,

Hamilton

Dear Dummy on my Street with the Annoying Car Alarm

You are too dumb to own a car alarm. I'm fairly certain that your car is not the object of attempted car theft three times a week. Seriously. Fucking learn how your car alarm works or I am going to smash your car.

With smashy fists of fury,

Carly

Dear Mantracker

I demand to know how your film crew operates.

How can it be, for example, that your prey can hide under a bridge with at least two cameras pointing directly at them within your view and you fail to see them? Has your show just littered the bush with camerapersons so that every inch is covered?

I think this may be the case. Have you noticed, Mantracker, that when you follow your prey across a vast stretch of sand that there are only two tracks and yet we've previously followed the prey across it? Do your cameras hover so that they don't leave tracks?

Why don't you hunt the camera crews instead of the prey. A guy lugging a camera would be a lot easier to track than a normal person on foot with only a pack on their back.

I've tried to find the answers online but I can't find anything so I've come here to ask for answers.

Also, why don't you kill your prey when you catch them? They'd try harder to get away then and it'd be a better show. Right now, microwavable popcorn bags are deadlier than you are.

Waiting for the kill,

Corwin

Dear Bacardi,

Incorporating reflective surfaces into an ad can be nifty keen, placing such an ad in a toilet stall is not so keen. Having your potential customers stare into a mirror labelled with a name tag:
"Hello, my name is:
Whatever you want it to be!"
while they pee just doesn't inspire the sort of debached spirit that would lead to rum drinking.

Soberly yours
sra

Dear Face, Dear Book,

Book. Book book book. There is something intellectual about the word book. intimate about your face. Face face face. Face. Yet together all these words can tell me is which 80s cartoons you think you liked. Spelling is apparently not the rule in a face-book. If a face-book blinks what pages does it miss? I could go on, but this is the oldest rant in the face. Book the facts.

,

Dave