Taco Tuesday

Dear Ethel's,

         I am writing you as a vegetarian who loves Taco Tuesdays; my friends and I have been attending Taco Tuesdays at your fine establishment since as long as I can remember. In the past, I have been happy to pay $1.50 extra for my tacos so that I can subsitute beans for meat. Unfortunately, due to your recent price increases, tacos are no longer a cheap treat for me to enjoy with my friends. Since the price of beans has doubled to $3, your tacos now cost me more than twice as much as they cost my carnivorous friends.
         On behalf of vegetarians everywhere, I beg of you, let there be some discount for substitution. I am not asking that you reduce the price of beans, but merely that there be some discount when customers replace meat with beans. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to the day when I can once again enjoy cheap bean-filled tacos with my friends.

With love,

Nicole Barker
Past President, Laurier Students for the Ethical Treatment of Animals

Dear America,

"Individualism, at first, only saps the virtues of public
life; but in the long run it attacks and destroys all
others and is at length absorbed in selfishness."
~ Alexis de Tocqueville

America,
we used you for your highways we snuck accross your
bridges at night we told the customs officer we were driving
through and were immediately struck by the subtle differences
in road signs your billboards selling giant guns and value
judgements against abortion
still other billboards lurked unlit waiting to strike.

America,
your gas stations were a bit too big and
your coffee really was awful and your flag gives
me the creeps America the Canadian flag is silly but
this is the great empire your flag is a war standard
ours the result of some committee of parliament.

America,
I worry that my blue hair will get me beaten
and if I eat too many fries and drink too much coke
I will become fat like the men at your gas stations.

America,
I thought we could pass through easily
but the trees that line the highway hang high and
it rained all night long as we passed through
unincorporated towns with gas station signs on fifty
foot poles and all your red white blue logos.

America,
we broke your speed limits in the dark
but didn't make it through before the sun came up
and in the day I came to realize that states like
Michigan Minnesota and North Dakota are not so
different from Canada
I still think you should take down all your flags
and get out of Iraq.

With love,

Dave

P.S. Thanks for the jerky and the public radio
program about British Muslims.

the email of my dreams

Dear David,

         I want to invite you to Ottawa and give you a job as the official NDPoet laureate. I've also found a nice young socialist who reads your blogs who doesn't know any of your ex-girlfriends and wants to go out with you. We've just been elected to govern the country and the new Constantines album, Tournament of Hearts, is out and it rocks. Hah, rocks, get it? The Cons are thinking of joining Broken Social Scene and The Weakerthans to form The Brokonstanthans.
         George W. Bush has been impeached and it turns out Dick Cheney was a robot... which would have made him President, were he not made in China.
         The new President, Howard Zinn has announced that the United States is undergoing a massive program of reparations towards American Indians and other groups the United States has displaced / invaded / colonized. They've committed to putting every available resource into stopping the AIDS crisis and have introduced radical new anti-pollution legislation, which is for some reason incredibly popular.
         The position of NDPoet Laureate involves writing songs to celebrate socialism and love and other good hippie stuff, but not about hippie like anticonformism or expanding your consciousness. Also, you should put new poems on your blog pretty frequently. I really liked that one you wrote about dinosaurs.
         Well, I've got a very excited coalition government to run. David Suzuki and Stephen Lewis told me to send you their love. They like your blogs too. Hope you'll consider my proposition; the world needs more poets.

With love,

Jack

Dear George W. Bush,

         I know this might come as a bit of a shock to you, but apparently, Billy Talent and alexisonfire don't like you. Now you may know this already -- I know you like to stay caught up on your current events -- but I thought maybe if you'd like, I could help explain their criticisms. I know sometimes it can be easier to take constructive criticism from someone who cares, so I'll try to put this as gently as possible.
         From what I gather, their main criticism of your Presidency involved getting the crowd at Edgefest to give you the finger. I know you were probably watching from home, so I apologize if this caused you to become distressed -- you were probably upset already that the line-up wasn't as good as it has been in previous years -- but sometimes love has to be tough. You got off easier than Good Charlotte, so consider yourself lucky.
         Another thing that seems to have pissed them off is the fact that you're the President of "America." Now, I know that you aren't really President of all Americans, since the term technically applies to Latin Americans, South Americans and, incidentally, Canadians -- but when Billy Talent said he loved being Canadian because it means he's not American, he was dissing your kind of people.
         So in sum, stop being President of such an awful country, and maybe you can party with the likes of Billy Talent. Also, maybe if you're reading this, you could stop starting all those wars, start respecting human rights at Guantanamo Bay (not to mention in your trade policies), and maybe you could also just ban the death penalty and recognize gay marriage and start providing universal health care and put together a plan to stop climate change, end poverty and provide more people with HIV/AIDS medication. And also, please don't appoint a crazy person to the Supreme Court. Or kill the Senate and blame it on terrorists. I read about that in Handmaid's Tale. You should read it; I think you'd find it quite ironic.
         Anyhow, those are my ideas -- Billy Talent didn't mention that stuff. I think he's just mad that you got to be President and he didn't.
         I'm sure you've got better things to do than read my blog, but in case you don't, could you please tell me your six favourite songs? Don't worry, you don't have to include this one; it's already on my list. Thanks for reading.

Peace out,

David Alexander

Dear Everyone,

This is my new blog.

I will use it to write letters to friends and enemies alike. Hopefully it won't be as emo as my other blog, but who knows, right?

With love,

Dave