friendly death threats
Dear The Internet,
It's my goal in life to destroy you.
I've been going around for a few years telling my friends and family, "I'm going to destroy the internet one day," whenever they ask me what I'm doing my life or how I see the future or whether I'd like more peas. But I realised I had never made my intentions clear to you, the target of all my sinister aspirations. So here it is, the internet: my job as a book store employee, my study of computer science in university, my online weblog, they're all converging elements in my master plan to orchestrate your grand and sudden and complete and permanent collapse.
I'm inside you, the internet. I'm scraping away at the very foundations of your existence. Sure, your hardware and software components are significant factors to consider when plotting your death, but your ultimate death will be cultural.
Now here's where you get the fear: Do I mean cultural stagnation? Violent conflict the likes of which not even Usenet has seen? A creeping infiltration by corporate entities and agents with agendas posing as ordinary users? Will I dilute the online proletariat with armies of payrolled sockpuppets?
Or am I planning something even more subtle and diabolical? Consider, the internet, what would happen if all the pointers and clickers out there in the wealthy electronic regions of the world were simultaneously struck by the futility of their actions. What if one day surfin' the weeb felt as pointless and bland as janitorial work or calculus homework?
What if people realised that you're destroying their minds and stealing their youth and vitality?
REVOLUTION!
Pitchforks and torches and marching boots through server farms, wires snipped and hardware smashed. Computers would be disconnected from one another across the face of the Earth, a great Simplification, the destruction of the gossiping machine. TCP/IP and its associated protocols would be proscribed by all major religions, and computers would be returned to their previous uses, like weather forecasting and electronic dating and Tetris. And a few years later people would sit around the television and say things like "Hey, remember those decades when we were stupid and lost our days and nights and pieces of our souls to a vast egalitarian network of computers and their users?" and then other people would say "Nope" and all would laugh.
So think about these scenarios the next time you try to sell me photographs of people having sex with their grandmothers.
Your nemesis,
Regan
It's my goal in life to destroy you.
I've been going around for a few years telling my friends and family, "I'm going to destroy the internet one day," whenever they ask me what I'm doing my life or how I see the future or whether I'd like more peas. But I realised I had never made my intentions clear to you, the target of all my sinister aspirations. So here it is, the internet: my job as a book store employee, my study of computer science in university, my online weblog, they're all converging elements in my master plan to orchestrate your grand and sudden and complete and permanent collapse.
I'm inside you, the internet. I'm scraping away at the very foundations of your existence. Sure, your hardware and software components are significant factors to consider when plotting your death, but your ultimate death will be cultural.
Now here's where you get the fear: Do I mean cultural stagnation? Violent conflict the likes of which not even Usenet has seen? A creeping infiltration by corporate entities and agents with agendas posing as ordinary users? Will I dilute the online proletariat with armies of payrolled sockpuppets?
Or am I planning something even more subtle and diabolical? Consider, the internet, what would happen if all the pointers and clickers out there in the wealthy electronic regions of the world were simultaneously struck by the futility of their actions. What if one day surfin' the weeb felt as pointless and bland as janitorial work or calculus homework?
What if people realised that you're destroying their minds and stealing their youth and vitality?
REVOLUTION!
Pitchforks and torches and marching boots through server farms, wires snipped and hardware smashed. Computers would be disconnected from one another across the face of the Earth, a great Simplification, the destruction of the gossiping machine. TCP/IP and its associated protocols would be proscribed by all major religions, and computers would be returned to their previous uses, like weather forecasting and electronic dating and Tetris. And a few years later people would sit around the television and say things like "Hey, remember those decades when we were stupid and lost our days and nights and pieces of our souls to a vast egalitarian network of computers and their users?" and then other people would say "Nope" and all would laugh.
So think about these scenarios the next time you try to sell me photographs of people having sex with their grandmothers.
Your nemesis,
Regan
posted by regan | 12:16 am
3 Correspondances:
"I'm inside you, the internet. I'm scraping away at the very foundations of your existence. Sure, your hardware and software components are significant factors to consider when plotting your death, but your ultimate death will be cultural."
I don't know... your willingness to institute change from the inside would lead me to believe that you are not considering the root causes of the internet; things like capitalism, consumerisn, our alienation from nature and the fact that I don't have a girlfriend.
Think deeper Regan.
Okay, Dave, I did some research and I discovered that the root cause of the internet (and of your lady trouble) is the human race.
So I'll just destroy that instead.
"I'm inside you, the internet. I'm scraping away at the very foundations of your existence."
You're just the internet's IUD, aren't you?
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